Eight tips to help you fail in business

Every year about 400,000 people start up in business, and some of them even do well enough to survive and continue trading successfully beyond those tricky first couple of years.

But a fact that gets missed is that it's actually much easier to start up in business than everyone is led to believe, especially a business that is likely to end up on the scrap heap sooner rather than later.

This fact can be backed up by consistent statistics going back many years, which show that starting up and failing miserably is much easier than you think, often losing everything you own and taking down a few suppliers, private investors or even the odd banker or two with you along the way.

So this week we thought we'd jump on the "get started now" bandwagon and provide you with some of our own quick but very practical tips for launching head first into a business that is guaranteed to fail - so it happens to a lot more of you even quicker.

1) Pursue the first idea that comes into your head.

This is imperative. Once you've thought up a business idea or concept, don't waste a second and get it started without further ado. Why not start up a business you know absolutely nothing about, or even better look for those 'here today - gone tomorrow' business fads - there are hundreds of them on the Internet, and ensure your new venture is gone tomorrow for certain.

2) Avoid testing your idea at all costs.

Essential to guarantee failure. Listen, nobody knows your brilliant product or idea better than you, and what's this "market research" crap anyway? You've spotted the opportunity and you'll only get rich quick if you get on with it and offer it to everybody that's out there. You'll just end up getting bored looking for a market gap with genuine needs that your product or service can fill.

3) Beat your competitors by selling at rock bottom prices.

Running a competitive business is way too easy. It doesn't matter how many competitors you've got, just make sure your prices are much lower than everyone else's. And don't worry about all that costing your product rubbish. If you sell enough at ridiculously low prices you will be the customer champion in no time at all, which is the fast track to profit making. Isn't it?

4) Run a business that doesn't need any marketing.

This is what it's all about. Your own fantastic ideas are for keeping your friends and in-laws impressed. Marketing's just a textbook term anyway, so why start announcing the reasons why your service meets the needs of a particular group of people, when all that will happen is that you end up giving your competitors a chance to copy your ideas? Why would anyone want to do that? Start up a business that will promote itself, and where none of your competitors will have a clue what you're up to.

5) Don't worry about the cash.

This is the best one. Everyone keeps telling you never to take your eye off your cash flow, but why bother with that when you've got the services of a good accountant and a sympathetic bank manager? They'll keep your finances straight, and let you know when there's no cash left. You just need to concentrate on being the overnight success you've always deserved to be.

6) Get advice from people who know nothing about running a business.

There are plenty of civil servants and "experts" out there who'll gladly give you the benefit of advice that they've read about somewhere. Or even better, there are those serial business failures who'll give you even more tips like the ones we've given you here to make your new venture a dead-cert loser.

7) Don't tell Trading Standards or the regulators.

Probably the worst thing a new business can do to guarantee that it won't fail is to tell the right people before they start trading. There are quite a few of these too - HM Revenue & Customs, Companies House, Trading Standards, town planners, insurance companies, food standards and environmental health people and a load of other meddling jobsworths whose sole purpose is to prevent you from starting up without a trading licence. To hell with that nonsense. These people only need to know about you when things go wrong, like if someone gets injured, you've mis-sold to a customer, you've evaded the taxman or someone gets poisoned and they need to send you to jail. But what are the chances of that, eh?

8) Don't forget to go bankrupt.

This one's the ace up your sleeve. If your business venture goes belly up in the UK and it looks like it's all your own personal financial mess then you can simply declare yourself bankrupt before you get properly sunk. Then after not too long you will be able to start up all over again, and by some complete fluke you might even join the minority of entrepreneurs that do manage to run a business properly and survive.

Good luck with your journey into enterprise. Not that you'll need it for long if you follow these handy losers' tips.

To comment on this article you can do so below.